Wednesday, November 29, 2006

Swindon Has Sun Turned Down To Save Power

In a huge victory for environmentalists and plenty of local tin-foil hat wearing nut jobs alike, the local Council has had the Sun turned down.

To allow Swindon to meet it's local emissions targets under the Kyoto Protocol the local authority received permission early this afternoon to have the sun turned down from a barmy 26 degrees to a mild 19 degrees for two hours tomorrow.

'' This will allow Swindon to cut it's CO2 emissions within it's annual target for year ending 2007'' a Council spokeswoman said today.

It is believed that no residents will be directly effected as the turnoff is taking place at the quietest time of the day to prevent major disruption to businesses.

The 'cooling off' period will be from 0100 until 0300 Greenwich Mean Time, an angry Sydney, Australia resident called the Swindon Centric Office to say City officials down under were asking citizens to dig out their jumpers and flashlights.

It is unconfirmed tonight that Sydney is looking to have it's cooling off period during business hours, Swindon time, as a tit-for-tat retaliatory action.

Tuesday, November 28, 2006

Flooded Residents Surprised By Over Flowing River

In shocking news today, several dozen Swindon residents were totally 'shell shocked' that there floodplain located houses were flooded after heavy rain.

" This came as a total surprise, we had no idea, no warning. The water just started pouring across our newly laid decking, in through the new conservatory and caused our brand new SUV to float round the double garage, like I told the insurance assessor.''

This quote from Charlie Farley, 38, cess-pit cleaner from Rodbourne came as many residents moaned about not being protected enough at times of heavy rain.

The Council denied it had costed the finances into pitching a big plastic sheet stretching from Junction 16 Borough boundary to the A419.

Suggestions by local weatherman that residents should use common sense and watch weather forecasts and not moan when they live in houses in flood prone areas was withdrawn as too controversial.

  • See a weather story disguised as news to fill pages
  • Monday, November 27, 2006

    Multiple Murderer With 15 Victims, Says This Was His Last One, Honest

    A local murderer, who has served 2000 hours community service for fifteen murders has promised that this was his last one and he has finally learned his lesson.

    Martin Chopper, 39 of Dead End Avenue, Grange Park, has just served his last sentence of community service, when he told Swindon Centric that this really is the last time and the straight and narrow is the way for him now.

    The reason Mr Chopper, famed for the use of a meat cleaver in his criminal past, has escaped a prison sentence until now is due to his charity work and his darned nice, approachable and cheery manner.

    Local Magistrates refused to comment that efforts were being made to remove Mr Chopper's reserved parking place pass at the Magistrates Court in Gordon Road, Swindon.

    As one local man walking his dog, who refused to be named, said '' everyone knows parking round here is murder.''

    Friday, November 24, 2006

    Christmas Light Shocks Only Those Who Have Nothing Better To Worry About

    In the usual seasonal display of non-news, there has been yet another local ruckus about a provincial town's shopping centre Christmas Lights.

    A story getting more uninteresting by the second, Swindon Centric haa learned that this year's town centre lights are 45% smaller than previous lights. Outraged locals have said it's shocking when the rise in Council tax seems to show the money's going somewhere that no-one is sure of.

    An unidentified member of Swindon Services was reported to have said that although the lights size was 45% smaller that older designs, the strength of the bulbs has been increased from an average 60 watt to 100 watt in a effort to mask any disparity. It's thought that with brighter lights nobody will be able to see the decorations themselves and therefore not see the diminutive scale of them.

    The government office for standards in Christmas lights, OFSWITCH, said when the average year on year change was accounted for with the factoring of all other lights in the Country, Swindon had 18.5% more Christmas Lights than in previous years, though it would have been 25% this year if somone hadn't nicked a reindeer off the nativity scene on the Town Hall steps.

    A jolly old fat man in a red suit, with an unhealthy interest in children is the prime suspect.

  • Swindon's switch on, with no scandal
  • Monday, November 20, 2006

    The Louder We Get ; The More Deaf They Get

    With the huge opposition to the proposed closure of Lower Shaw Farm, the Council's attitude to it's residents does seem bizzare at best.

    You will remember the debacle with the Headland's 'Hondalands' Academy which the Council seems relentlessly determined to pursue, despite major misgivings by not just residents and teachers, but also, it's own councillors. Well, remember that fantastic piece of spin put on the results of a consultation exercise where a certain member of the Council assumed that the people who didn't answer the survey must have been in favour, otherwise they would have said so?

    A bit like saying that all those millions of people who don't bother to vote in general elections all support the government 100% but are just too bone-idle lazy to vote.

    And we are constantly told that 'these are the chances to have your voice heard'?

    Well, Councillors, if you're listening, the people of Swindon do not want you to close, meddle with, touch or go anywhere near Lower Shaw Farm, we've spoke, nay shouted from the rooftops and what have our elected representatives done?


    Why is it when a subject as emotive as this one gets people rallied, the people we elect do not listen?

    I certainly hope that I am wrong, very VERY wrong.

  • Read the opposition to the plans here
  • Sunday, November 19, 2006

    Nationwide Customers Can't Put A Name To Their Faces After Laptop Theft

    Nationwide Building Society based in Swindon admitted a laptop which contained names and personal details of customers was stolen in a shocking case of potential identity theft.

    Independent security experts claim there is only one full proof way of protecting againest such robberies. Sarah Sheildford of private security firm Lock and Load recommended '' the only real way to protect one's identity is to keep a paper copy of personal information, specifically first and last names, address, date of birth and hair colour and height. Otherwise you may wake up one day and not know what your first name is, your eye colour or your height.''

    These increased security measures are needed after last year's famed Highworth hijacking of several dozen people's identity. Leaving many residents not knowing what their own personal details were. It took one man three months before he could finally work out his surname and what his age was.

  • Read the real Nationwide story, click here
  • Friday, November 17, 2006

    Tagging Of Local Councillors Will Improve Performance

    In a countrywide first, Swindon is to experiment with electronically tagging local councillors in an effort to improve overall efficency.

    Locals with new DAB Radios and third generation mobile phones will get an regular beeping sound from their sets when a local representative is within 100 metres, with the beeps getting louder the closer they get.

    Councillor Joshua Marcus ( Wichelstowe South) said ' most of the older members of the council were againest this trial, but overall, it'll allow voters to know where the people they vote for are on a day-to-day basis.'

    Rumours that the scheme includes fitting religious door-to-door sellers has been rejected as too expensive has been denied by officials.

    Thursday, November 16, 2006

    Luddites Win Wheelie Bin Fight ; Lose Right To Live In 21st Century

    Swindon Borough Council has listened to it's residents and promised not to force wheelie bins on those people who are frightened by them.

    In an attempt to better serve those residents who oppose putting their rubbish in a solid, sanitary container and who say that 'they look ugly', the Council has unveiled a new, exciting strategy. Those local residents who do not wish to live in the current age will be given a free Council grant to use the government time-machine, travel back to the early 1900's and live in a more suitable age. No piped water, NHS, cars, ASBOs, mobile phones, airplanes, paninis, Belgian Chocolates, internet or any nasty modern devils like wheelie bins.

  • For the full real details, click here
  • Wednesday, November 15, 2006

    Council Gets Desperate As It Considers Selling Itself To Raise Revenue

    With the sound of pursestrings snaping shut having become familiar to Swindonians, the Council has been forced to assess all possible options.

    This includes comissioning a feasibility study into selling itself to raise much needed money.

    The tendering of the entire council to the highest bidder has been mooted before behind closed doors, but never got beyond the thinking stage.

    A Council spokeswoman apparently said ' with the possible sale of the Council we could ensure that the coffers would be comfortable for the forseeable future.' She declined to add that with the sale, the Council wouldn't have to pay for anything, so the money would end up being useless and not needed.

    Reports that planning applications would end up having to be submitted to your local chip and pizza shop couldn't be confirmed this afternoon.

    Accusations about the authority wasting money on feasibility studies has been taken on board with the promise of a feasibility study into suspending feasibility studies. Its conclusions are expected in 2009-12.

    The Council did add though that even with this vast amount of money, it would still end up selling off Lower Shaw Farm, just to make sure it would eventually alienate everyone it serves in the town.

    One local authority, do I hear, a tenner?

    Wyvern Asbestos 'Least Of Our Worries' After Shock Dragon Discovery

    With the Wyvern Theatre shut well into the new year as asbestos is removed, a late breaking story this lunchtime shows that we aren't quite being told the truthiness.

    Workers contracted by the Council to ensure the building is fit for purpose have discovered a suspected stash of Ballistic Missiles hidden behind the decorative dragon on the exterior of the structure.

    Historians studying ancient documents from the 1970s have found the building was part of the local Civil Defence Plan in response to a nuclear attack. The building was designed to act as a bunker if the unthinkable happened during the Cold War.

    As a result the facade which faces Theatre Square was built to contain a missile defence system. The eyes of the dragon retract to allow Surface To Air missiles to be fired as a last line of defence for the town.

    A local man out walking his dog, who wished to have his identity kept secret, said ' it's a well known local legend that the missiles were built at the Railway Works'.

    MOD and Council officials surprisingly refused to comment.

    Good Manners Cost Robber Millions in Bank Raid

    In a true show of the community feel of our town, Swindon Centric can reveal (as our inaugural story) that a bank raid was foiled this morning by sheer good manners.

    At around 9.45am this morning, an attempted robbery on an as yet unnamed Commercial Road bank branch was foiled by customers in the queue. A masked man pushed ahead of the waiting customers and demanded money. However when he was challenged by a pensioner with a walker that he wasn't in the queue, he got angry, pulled out a shotgun and started shouting.

    A tense stand-off followed for almost two minutes as customers muttered under their breath that ' it was a disgrace' and 'manners cost nothing'. The robber lost his nerve and fled the bank shouting 'I'm terribly sorry, it's totally my fault'.

    The man is described as stocky, wearing a black pullover hat, black and white striped jumper and a bag marked with the cryptic word 'SWAG' written on it. Its unknown whether early reports on him being identified as Burglar Bill are confirmed.

    The branch manager commented 'it just goes to show, good manners can cost you everything, including several thousand pounds'.